Why do people say things like: "You think parenthood is hard now? JUST YOU WAIT!"?
“Just wait until the threenager years”
“Just wait until he starts school”
“Just wait until those teenage years”
“Just wait for her to have her first boyfriend”
“Just wait for him to go through puberty”
“Just wait for him to start driving”
… ‘THEN parenthood is even harder!’
Let's try something... Give grace to the new mama - do not corrupt with negative memories. Pray for her. Lift her up.
This is my third child and I’m amazed every time at the number of people who seem to wish you into negative experiences.
Are they dealing with traumatic memories from their own children and trying to use you as a counselor?
Do they think they are being helpful?
Are they just inconsiderate?
I’m not sure.
Why would anyone be helped by:
“Just wait until they are mobile and getting into everything in the house?”
In a mature moment, I could respond:
- “Yes, that is a stressful time, but it comes with so many blessings and so much excitement as well.”
“Just wait until they talk back”
- “Yes, that is unfortunate but we all fall a little short of being perfectly obedient, and it’s my job as a parent to guide my child in truth and love.”
Or when I was pregnant… “Sleep now while you can.”
- “Well, I am so looking forward to holding the baby, it will all be worth it.”
- “I actually slept worse while 9 months pregnant than with a one month old infant… sometimes things aren’t as black and white as they seem.”
Someone will ask, “are you getting good sleep?” If I am brave enough to answer honestly, I am usually met with another unhelpful response…
“If you think you’re losing sleep now, just wait until they’re a teenager… you’ll never sleep again!”
Yes, raising teenagers can be a tough experience (but not for all parents, and not all teenagers! Some enjoy it, y'know) but it isn’t a fair comparison to raising a fragile, tender infant who is completely incapable of self-reliance.
It’s so plain to me, as a mother of a new baby, that these words do NOT bring life, and only bring discouragement.
It’s also possibly less-than-ideal to ask “Is the baby sleeping through the night yet?”
The answer will almost definitely be “No.” And quite possibly make the mom feel like her baby is missing a milestone that shouldn’t come along until later…
Maybe instead: “how are you sleeping at night?”
Ask questions about the mom, sometimes she gets forgotten. Don’t gloss over her experience, as when a baby is born, a mom is born as well.
Perhaps that’s the concern with negative wishes. 99%-100% of new mothers are hormonally off-balance, off-kilter, thrown off by baby’s desperate cries for help several times a day. They need positivity, not negativity.
Give grace to the new mama - do not corrupt with negative memories. Pray for her. Lift her up.
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Ephesians 4:29 ESV
“Words can bring death or life! Talk too much, and you will eat everything you say.”
Proverbs 18:21 CEV
What to say to a new mom:
New moms almost always appreciate a true compliment… choose your favorite from the list
- “Your baby is so cute”
- “I love the name you chose”
- “I miss the days when I snuggled a baby!”
And if you MUST bring up the hard times, maybe try to shed some light on the maturing process that takes place in early motherhood.
“Motherhood can be challenging, but it is exactly those challenges that teach us to work outside of our comfort zones and help the baby through a problem solving process.”
And you can always bring up cute things that are coming up…
- “Oh, your baby is three months? Soon they will start giggling and playing! How fun!”
- “How fun, your baby is getting closer to the age where they start walking and exploring! A whole new chapter!”
Read also: Please stop telling new moms to "enjoy every moment"
So why do people seem to wish bad experiences on new moms?
I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't know.
After writing, I suppose the answer as to why so much negativity is hoisted on a new mother, might be jealousy. Because I caught myself not being able to take a high school student seriously when she was telling me how stressed out she was about finals. I suppose my primal urge was a longing for simpler times, when I didn’t have to worry about money, or work, or marriage, or raising my children.
When encountering someone who is following you in a path similar to the one you walked, instead of processing the feelings you’ve let sit dormant, attempt to see a possibly struggling soul, and give grace, give encouragement, give hope, and give life.
What do you think?
Why is it so hard to find the right thing to say to new moms? What do new moms need when they are going through a tough season?
Hey, you!