Stories of Pregnancy and Infant Loss

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and if you haven't experienced either, chances are you know someone who has. One in four women have experienced such a loss.Losing a child at any age is traumatic, and parents need to process their grief in different ways. For some, it feels like waves of unbearable grief that most days I feel like I’m drowning. For some, they live each day with love,  pain, sadness, emptiness, and grief.There’s no “getting over” or “moving on” after pregnancy or infant loss, for most, there’s only fighting to stay afloat with God's grace.I've asked several women to share their stories with me in the Christ-Centered Mamas Facebook Group. Here are their answers.  

What was your child's name, and how old were they?

Allyson:

I experienced an early pregnancy loss around 4-5 weeks. The miscarriage happened in the spring, so we sometimes refer to the baby as "baby bird" or bluebird.

Christi:

My son's name is Joshua Caleb. He was born at 26 weeks and passed away when he was 2 weeks old.

Samantha: 

The first one was in 2003 and I was about 10 weeks. The second was 2004 and I was 19 weeks, we named him Josiah and he was born at home, then I started hemorrhaging severely and had a D&E, then in 2005, and we named this baby Noel. I was 15 weeks. Because of my last hemorrhage, they did another D&E. I also had one at 7 weeks in 2010.

Tiffany:

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. The Lord revealed to me that it was a girl and her name was Eden Elizabeth.

Denise:

My daughter's name is Ariella & she was 5 months gestational when she moved on to the next stage in her life.

Emily: 

My son's name is Jacob and he was almost 6 days old when he passed away.

Alyssa: 

My child’s name is Bereket, the Turkish word for blessing. He was born at 12 weeks gestational age.

What do you want people to know about your child?

Allyson:

All loss matters. Using language like "At least..." (at least you were early, at least you know you can have children, etc), devalues my child's life. I was pregnant. My baby was real, a valuable image-bearer of God.

Christi:

He was a strong, red-headed fighter. with a God-given mission but none of us knew it Although we never got to hear him cry or hold him, and nobody beyond grandparents was allowed to even see him, his little tiny life and then his death completely changed the trajectory of my family, and impacted friends too.

Samantha: 

Chances are you know someone who’s experienced a miscarriage if you haven’t personally. Studies tell us that one in four women have experienced a loss, either early or later in pregnancy.

Tiffany:

That even though I never held her that she was very real to me and the loss was also very real and painful. She will always hold a special place in my heart. She was my first pregnancy, the first time I announced I was pregnant to my family and friends, and brought me so much joy.

Denise:

She's a fighter! A lioness of God!

Emily:

Jacob had Edwards syndrome, it is the 2nd most common syndrome in the world but very few people know about it.  

Alyssa: 

I want people to know that he was perfectly formed, and that he had the sweetest and tiniest little ears I have ever seen. I also want them to know that even though I am expecting again, I still think of this child often, and what my life would be like with three children under three (aka- this baby isn’t a replacement, and never could be ).

LaTicia: 

Zipporah Alaina ... miscarriageAngelina Renee... miscarriage

What's a memory that you enjoy looking back on?

Allyson:

I found out that I was pregnant and miscarrying in the same phone call, so was never able to experience any initial joy. However, 4.5 years later I can look back and see all of the good that God worked through the loss of our child. He changed the direction of our lives completely, shaping me into the person I am today.

Christi:

Within a few hours of birth, he was relocated to a children's hospital an hour away. My husband was told that the medical staff did not believe that Joshua Caleb would make the hour-long transport, and he should prepare himself for that possibility. Not only did he make it but he began getting stronger. At 4 days old, this teeny-tiny preemie was laying on his tummy, pushed himself up, turned his head to the other side and pulled out his ventilator. The nurses were appalled that he could do such a thing and contemplated "strapping him down for his safety" but from that point on, they knew this kid was a fighter.

Tiffany:

I was in Thailand when I found out I was pregnant with her. My period was 5 days late and we went everywhere looking for a pregnancy test because the internet said you could buy them at 7/11. It took us probably two days to be able to find one to buy and then I took it and there was such a faint line that my husband wouldn’t even get excited and made me wait until the next morning when the line was more clear before being excited with me. Then I had never seen him more excited.

Denise:

Hearing her heart beat & seeing her via sonogram for the first time.

Emily:

The sound of his little cry. Jacob was stubborn as a mule, expected to be born dead or die within a few minutes of birth he was delivered 8 weeks early, chronic lung disease and he made an attempt to cry and it's the sweetest sound I ever heard.

Alyssa:

The memory I enjoy looking back on the most is the day we found it we were expecting again. We were in a Central Asian country, and could not read the Russian on the pregnancy test and so we had no idea if I was pregnant or not! We argued and laughed and googled just to try to see the results. When we finally confirmed it was positive, I simply melted into my husband’s arms, excited and overwhelmed.

LaTicia: 

Announcing Angelina’s pregnancy and planting a peach tree for her after she was gone. God  used my children to bring me closer to Himself... My second miscarriage also brought my husband and myself closer together. Each of my babies had a purpose although their lives were short. What's a memory that you enjoy looking back on? Announcing Angelina’s pregnancy and planting a peach tree for her after she was gone.

What would you say to a mom who just recently experienced loss?

Allyson:

It's ok to grieve. You don't have to compare yourself to other mamas, thinking maybe you don't have the right to grieve because you weren't as far along or your child wasn't as old as theirs. Your child has value as a human made in God's image. Your loss is real. 

Christi:

This is a hard one. Every loss is different. Every person is different. And on top of that, every person's perspective is different. I would encourage her to grieve that loss whatever way she needs to. It's okay to get angry. It's okay to be sad and cry. It's okay to keep pictures out. It's okay to smile when someone makes a joke. It's okay to rest in the peace that God sends you. It's okay to do whatever you need to help you get through day to day.

Samantha:

Don’t expect your partner to grieve the same way. Since my husband didn’t feel the baby or see the babies, he grieved in a different manner. Have someone else take care of baby items if that will be easier for you. Do something in remembrance. I have an ornament with Josiah’s name on it for his loss at Christmas time. I also have two bushes planted that flower at the time of the anniversary of other losses. My friend, mentioned above, has planted a beautiful flower garden in memory of her daughter.

Tiffany:

It’s okay to be angry and to feel all the emotions and to ask God why. Society teaches us we need to be strong and just need to get over it and move on, but that’s not how it works. Time will bring healing but be easy on yourself. It takes longer then you think it will and it’s okay. It’s okay to want to be alone for awhile to feel every emotion (anger, bitterness, etc.) but it’s not okay to stay there.

Denise:

Know your little one lives! Draw near to God. Stay in His word. Know He is your comforter. It's okay to cry. He's right there with you, feeling what you feel. Worship. Don't stop. Praise Him. Remember your little one is a conqueror! Not even death could hold him/her.

Emily:

To a newly bereaved mum I would say you don't stop being a mum, you just mother in a different way. Feeding, clothing and cleaning are ways we can show are care and love, but talking about your child, tending their grave, raising awareness/funds about any associated conditions, charities etc, mentioning their name, making donations at birthdays and Christmas in their name.

Alyssa:

To a mom who just recently experienced a loss, I would tell her that her baby matters. I would remind her of the words of David when he says “My son will not return to me, but one day I will go to him.” I would pray for her, and just try to listen about her experience.

LaTicia:

 I know you are hurting and that is ok... grieve as long as you need and don’t let anyone’s comments get to you. They all love you and are trying to help. Allow God to hold you and grow you in this time, ask Him to show you the purpose for your child’s short life. Hold on to the sweet memories and do not let them go. They are what will get you through on those random moments, 1 year, 5 years, even 10 years down the road when you can’t explain why you are thinking of your child that you lost so long ago... and remembering is ok too.

What would you say to someone who wants to help?

Allyson:

Be there now and in the future. 2 years later, my husband and I received an adoption match around Mother's day. People were texting me to say happy first mother's day. I was rejoicing in this next step of our lives, but was heartbroken that no one acknowledged our first baby. Until, one friend told me happy mother's day, for the son we were just matched with and for my baby in heaven. She acknowledged my baby, 2 years later! Say the child's name, write down important dates, and remember that grief doesn't disappear after a couple of months.

Christi:

There wasn't anything I wanted to hear, and I couldn't tell people what to do because I didn't even know what I needed. Nobody could give my son back to me. There wasn't anything during that time that would have lessened the pain of losing him. However, I'm thankful that there were people in my life that allowed me to talk about him, my hurt, and whatever I was experiencing, whenever I needed to without trying to rush me through the grieving process. I guess I really needed space and permission. Whether it was space to be alone and cry on my pillow or space to feel like I wasn't burdening someone else by talking about my experience, or even the permission to process the feelings of guilt I had when it hit me that I first laughed at something not long after he passed away. It wasn't that they were feeling sorry for me, it was genuine heartfelt compassion for what I was going through. That's what meant the most to me.

Samantha: 

Don’t say they can have more children—you don’t know that, besides a new baby doesn’t take the place of the baby they have lost.Don’t tell her, ‘At least you weren’t further along.’ Some women bond immediately with the positive pregnancy test, and some don’t. For me, I bonded right away.Don’t say, ‘It was for the best,’ or, ‘There must have been something wrong with the baby.’Try not to complain about your pregnancy to her if you’re pregnant.Be a listener if she wants to talk. Let her know you care, but unless you’ve experienced a loss, don’t tell her how she should be feeling.Remember the anniversary with her and acknowledge the baby’s existence.

Tiffany:

Every loss is different and even if you have lost a child personally it is never the same as someone else’s pain so be sensitive to that. Also sometimes the biggest help you can give someone doesn’t involve words. I just needed someone to listen or to clean or make dinner or whatever. I didn’t want to hear how many miscarriages you had or how many babies you lost because to me that wasn’t helpful at all. Just a hug meant more to me than anything else.

Denise:

 Pray. Love. Hug. Look for ways to be a blessing.

Emily:

If anyone wants to help a recently bereaved parent, please don't offer advice. Some well meant phrases cut me the deepest ( at least you have 3 beautiful children here, will you have another (we can't), maybe it's God's will, it isn't, This is not what God wanted/ planned for anyone ).Ask the person if they want to talk if yes, let them talk and talk and talk. Don't judge if their style of grieving is different to yours, just love them. If they say no just hold their hand and love them, ask if you can pray with them!Practical help is amazing and appreciated even if not immediately. Please pray before you visit the family and for them as often as you can. Be God's light in their lives at a time they need it the most.

LaTicia:

Just listen, just hold me, and pray for my grieving that it won’t consume me...

Alyssa:

I would encourage someone who wants to help to do the same- just listen. I would also encourage the person to provide practical help. What many don’t realize is that a miscarriage is still giving birth- the day after, I was exhausted and emotionally beat. My husband was up late with me throughout the night, holding me through labor pains- yet we still had to wake up early that morning when my daughter did. A few people brought over meals and played with our daughter, and it meant to much to us both to truly be able to rest. I would also tell someone who helps to pray for the husband as well. Men, don’t be afraid to bring this subject up to the guys. This man just lost a child. It isn’t always just something the woman experiences.

Read more:

You can read more about Christi's experience and how God changed her and her family as a result of that experience at:  https://sincerelychristi.com/my-faith-filled-journey-blog/my-story/

You can read more of Samantha's helpful article at: https://healthbeat.spectrumhealth.org/when-pregnancy-news-isnt-good/

You can read more about Allyson's miscarriage and journey to motherhood here: https://raptmotherhood.com/earlymiscarriagestory/

What about you?

Have you experienced pregnancy or infant loss? What was your child's name, and how old were they? What do you want people to know about your child? What's a memory that you enjoy looking back on? What would you say to a mom who just recently experienced loss? What would you say to someone who wants to help?

If you learned something or were encouraged by this, please let the contributors of this compilation know via a comment below.

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