How to Be Emotionally Present For Your Kids When You Just Can't
I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say it, sometimes it's hard for me to be emotionally present for my kids.Sometimes motherhood demands too much from me, and I am very tempted to emotionally close down shop. Tempted to coast and not engage.Don't get me wrong; I prepared myself for the physical exhaustion.I heard all of the stuff that they say about parenting young children, mainly “the years are short but the days are long.” and I had no idea how true that was until recently.But the emotional exhaustion is what's got me puzzled.It can be hard to get rest, to feel sanity, or to keep my prayer and devotional life active when you're emotionally exhausted.With a two-year-old and a four-month-old, I can find myself looking for the next break.
Specifically:
- It'll be better in 10 minutes I can turn on PBS because Super Why will be on.
- It'll be better in 40 minutes when the baby goes down for a nap.
- The kid's dad will come home in an hour. I can make it until then.
I even catch myself thinking: life will be simpler when he's potty-trained. Or it will be less overwhelming when she starts crawling.It's tempting to live for the next big milestone, fun moment, or cup of coffee... but I know I should be attempting to make the most of each moment I have with my children and be genuinely present both physically and emotionally. That emotional presence is what my children need. I can be physically present all day long but choosing to open my heart and connect emotionally with my kids can can fall by the wayside when my list of other priorities becomes too great.See also: Please don't tell struggling moms to "enjoy every moment" There are 5 main responses to conflict or stress- and I think for most moms, emotional distance is one of the most commonly used ones.
5 Main Conflict Responses:
- Avoiding the Conflict
- Giving In
- Standing your Ground
- Compromising
- Collaborating
In the realm of parenthood, there's 3 of these responses that are healthy (standing your ground, compromising, and collaborating) and 2 that are not healthy (avoiding the conflict, and giving in/shutting down).It isn't healthy to shut down when faced with big emotions. You will eventually blow up and the cycle will start all over again. These cycles have caused dysfunctional families and created canyon-wide gulfs of emotional memories between family members.I say that like I know how to live life... but isn't it so hard to deal?IT REALLY IS.And that's okay.I have some tips that I've picked up while reading my old Biblical Counseling textbooks and, more recently, some of my Christian parenting books. See also: 7 Signs You're a Great Mom and Don't Know It
When you can't be emotionally present:
Realize the core emotions behind the temptation to be emotionally distant.
You might do the same as me and shut down emotionally when you are frustrated/lonely/angry/embarrassed/overwhelmed with your kids. Big emotions are normal in motherhood. Through our hormonal changes after pregnancy, the stresses of our work and home life, it's hard to regulate your own emotions when your kids are still learning how to.
Try looking objectively at the situation and seeing yourself.
Zoom out of your head and try to look at the situation as an impartial third party. Then, instead of shutting down emotionally or responding with TOO MUCH emotion, try to speak calm and openly to your children despite your big emotions. When big emotions threaten to arise over a stressful situation, take a deep breath and remove your personal emotion from that situation for a minute. Look at the event objectively and try to see it through your child's perspective. This teaches your child empathy and coping skills.You won't do this every time you feel tempted at first, but with practice, you'll start to be able to turn one thought around and use that moment of weakness to glorify God.Try praying something like “God, this seems impossible and I'm very frustrated/lonely/angry/embarrassed/overwhelmed. Help me to get over my temptation and remind me to preach the Gospel to my own heart.That kind of prayer will be answered and will glorify God.[bctt tweet="Through God’s help we can learn to manage our emotions, find our ‘okay’ again, and teach our kids to do the same." username="christcentermom"]
Realize you aren't weak, you're normal.
I sometimes allow myself to get sucked into “I'm doing everything wrong and should stop attempting to be an engaged parent because if I can't get this ONE moment right, I should stop attempting all together.”When I'm realistic, I realize that's not how life works.And I realize I need to stop name-calling!Moms, even if you think you're weak...? Your kids won't remember you as weak. Your children are a lot more emotionally adept than you realize. The humble collection of a thousand daily interactions over the course of a childhood add up to something beautiful, even if hundreds of them were different than you wished. So moms, don't allow yourself to be intimidated by the enormousness of the little times. Don't shut down through the pain or frustration.
Six practical ideas to be emotionally present even in your weaknesses.
Be honest with yourself about your emotions
Try to find the root feeling before you shut down or blow up. What is that feeling? Zoom out and look at the big picture and try to adjust next time, or the time after that.
Try to make your kids laugh at least once a day
My toddler boy can't help it. He loves announcing that he's farted. I grab him and join in on the laughter with him even though fart jokes aren't my cup of tea; I want to connect with him when he's laughing.
Make happy eye contact with your kids at least once a day
Watch them playing and let them catch you admiring them. Compliment them in a way that makes them make eye contact with you. Grab them and tell them that you love them while looking in their eyes.
Be honest with your kids (even toddlers) about your emotions and ask forgiveness
The problem that we are trying to address is emotional distance and/or emotional explosions. They go hand-in-hand because an unhealthy expression of emotion will always lead to another. Stop the cycle and ask your child to check in with you. This allows your child to find home base with you again, but it also allows them to see how they can respond to their own blowups with emotional maturity.
Keep the phone and other screens off and in a different room for at least one hour a day for family time or dinner time or play time.
My emotional-shut-down-go-to can be my phone or a book or my laptop. My son notices this. I think even my 5-month-old can notice when me or her dad or other family members are disengaged. It's okay to use your devices occasionally, primarily if you are working, but you need to be intentional about device-free time.See also: Self-Care for Christian Moms - Smart or Selfish?
Pray with your child and ask God to help you both in your emotions.
Emotional regulation is a skill, but it can also be a gift from the Holy Spirit. Ask God to grant you and your child emotional maturity. Pray with your child and have them hear it from you: “God our emotions are big. But You are bigger. Help our family deal with our emotions in healthy ways.”Through God's help we can learn to manage our emotions, find our 'okay' again, and teach our kids to do the same.
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3 NIV
No one said parenting would be easy. If someone does, you shouldn't believe them. Children desperately need your emotional guidance. They need to learn how to find an “okay” again. By recognizing your triggers, retraining your brain, openness despite weakness, and prayer, you can provide an emotionally safe and engaging environment for your children to thrive.
What about you?
What conflict response is most common in your parenting? Do you have any tips on how we can teach our kids to find their "okay" again? *If you purchase a book from the below recommendations (or purchase anything using the search bar), The ministry of Christ-Centered Mama might receive a small commission from your purchase that will not affect your cost. Thanks for your support!*
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