Your Ashes, His Beauty; Your Pain, His Purpose
My mother was diagnosed with Huntington’s Disease when I was around seven years old. (If you’re not familiar with Huntington’s Disease it’s a genetic disorder that over time will cause the nerve cells in the brain to waste away leading to extreme physical and mental issues. There’s currently no cure for this disease.)
My father was a gambler and was gone every week Sunday night through Saturday morning. I really don’t remember my mother before she got sick so all I remember is bad. Very, very bad. I know she loved me, but because of how the disease works, she wasn’t able to show me that she loved me. As a child, I would sit in my room at night and tell myself that the things she said and did to me during the day was because she was sick, not because she didn’t love me.
I would beg my father to stay home every Sunday because I was so scared of what would happen while he was gone during the week. Instead of staying, he’d always get in his car and drive off to where ever it was he was gambling that week.
When I was 11 years old, my dad found out he had lung cancer. The same day that he had came home from having surgery to remove as much of the cancer as possible, my mother passed away. It wasn’t too long after mom was gone that dad knew the only way he was going to make it through all that had happened and raising an 11 year old girl on his own was if he gave his life to Jesus. My dad always said that if he was going to do something, he wasn’t going to half do it. He was going to give it everything he had in him.
Transformation
And boy did he. I saw my dad turn from this gambling, cheating, lying not so great man to an incredibly amazing Godly father that loved the Lord and me with his whole heart. I am so thankful I saw that transformation in him. I’ll always treasure the memories I have of him sitting at the kitchen table in the middle of the night with his Bible and notebook digging in the Word trying to learn all he could about the one who saved his soul.
Dad passed away when I was 16. I knew it was coming, so I was somewhat prepared, but how do you really prepare to be an orphan? There’s nothing that can prepare you for that. After my dad was gone there were a lot of things my own family did that only added to the heartbreak I was already experiencing. For the next three years I went through every single day feeling like I wasn’t wanted by anyone.
I had three different legal guardians by the the time I graduated high school. When I graduated it didn’t take me long to figure out I didn’t belong in that town anymore. I moved seven hours away and thought I had left all that brokenness and heartache in that town.
Turns out you can't leave heartache in a physical location.
HA! Joke was on me, because I brought all that mess with me. I was married by 20, had my oldest son at 21, and divorced by 23. See, when you don’t deal with your own issues before you marry someone with their own issues, y’all just create way more issues together. Funny how that works, huh?
There were two good things that came from my failed marriage. The first, my precious son. The second: the family I married into accepted me as their daughter from the day we casually surprised them with the news that we had gotten married.
When he divorced me, they stayed. They took me into their home and loved me through a whole lot of crazy things. They did this because they know Jesus and they were the physical representation of Jesus for me. I cannot express in words how thankful I am they never gave up on loving me and were continually pointing me toward Jesus for as long as I would let them.
Baggage has a way of piling up
Fast forward a few years later. I meet this incredible man, we fall in love, and he decides that he wants to marry me! He asked, I said yes, and we got married. Remember all those bags I have been carrying around throughout the years? Yeah, I had added quite a few more bags to my collection.
Let me tell you… me and this man could’ve completely filled 15 U-Haul trucks of our combined baggage when we got married. When all our issues started making their way out of their bags, it wasn’t good for anyone. It was really, really bad.
I was so emotionally broken and heartbroken... and I wanted everyone to be miserable with me. I was so scared of being left that I pushed everyone away before they could leave me. In my brokenness and confusion, I had determined that no one else was ever going to leave me or break my heart again so I was going to be the one to do all the hurting and leaving. After a huge argument we had, I left and I sat in my car sobbing. I broke. I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. Thank you Jesus for my ex in-laws, because had they not continually told me how much Jesus loved me and how He wanted more for me... I’m not sure I’d be here today.
I knew I needed to make some serious changes. First: "Jesus, forgive me for running from You for so long."
Surrendered
I fully surrendered my life to the Lord five years ago. It wasn’t like I woke up the next day and my whole life was completely different. No, no… ha.. no. I’m still a work in progress but I am not who I was at all. No bitterness, no anger, no sadness... I’m healed. Whole. Transformed and made new in Him! I am His and He is mine! I am living that John 10:10 life, y’all, and I’m in it for the rest of my days.
Daughter, not one tear you’ve shed will be wasted. Trust your Father. He does all things well.
Dawn Wing
God uses it for His glory.
In August 2018 I had to go back to my hometown for a family member's funeral. Honestly, I didn’t want to go. I dreaded the drive, there was nothing left there for me. But for some reason I knew I had to go. As soon as I got into town I knew this was going to be the longest four days of my life. On day three of being back in my hometown, the Lord so clearly spoke to me about why I had to go back there.
I was sitting on the hood of my car looking over at a gorgeous view of the mountains, having some quiet time with the Lord. I just so happened to be reading through the book of Isaiah and I was starting my day with Isaiah 61.
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3
What the enemy meant for evil, I will use for My glory
As soon as I finished reading verse three the Lord said, “Daughter, what the enemy meant for evil, I will use for My glory. I brought you back here to show you where I’m taking you. You left here weak, but in Me you’ve been made strong. Not one tear you’ve shed has been wasted. It’s time.”
That day, a seed was planted in my heart. I knew that every single thing I have ever walked through would be used to bring fame to His name. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. I am living proof that He does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. In 22 days I am stepping into what God spoke to me that day. I am going to learn how to reach the brokenhearted, to tell the fatherless they have a Heavenly Father who loves them with an everlasting love, to bring His living hope to the hopeless, to help build faith in the ones who need to know He’s a faithful God, and I get to do this all through song. I will officially be a ministry school student pursuing worship ministry.
Sister, your pain has a purpose.
He will give you beauty for ashes if you’re willing to let Him have those ashes. Today if you’re hurting, know that He is close to the brokenhearted and whatever it is you’re walking through, He’s right there with you. He sees you. He hears you. Daughter, not one tear you’ve shed will be wasted. Trust your Father. He does all things well.
This post brought to you by: The Dwell Journal
If you’re not sure where to start studying the Bible, or are struggling with being consistent in God’s Word, try this 12-week guided Bible study journal to help you get on a fulfilling and exciting path in your quiet time with the Lord. Through dwelling on God’s word, you’ll be rooted and established in Christ. Each week focuses on a different topic; areas that will convict you and encourage you to apply what you have learned as the Holy Spirit lives and moves through you to accomplish His work.
Inside this journal you’ll find a place to:
- Write Bible verses for deeper reflection and internalization
- Record what you learn as you study God’s Word
- Reflect on ways to apply what you’ve read
- Record things you are thankful for
- Keep track of prayer requests and answered prayers
Dwelling in God’s word is exciting and enriching. Let’s dive into the Father’s love letter and see how it impacts our lives and the lives of those around us.
Get connected!
We want you to join the Christ-Centered Mamas Facebook group! Come and ask questions and be encouraged by other Christian moms. It was mainly this group that sourced the ideas for the Dwell Journal, so it’s a valuable and beautiful community to me, and to the other moms in the group!
We want you to join the Christ-Centered Mamas Facebook group! Come and ask questions and be encouraged by other Christian moms.